Really Starbucks? 1500 more? I can’t walk 6 blocks without running past 2 of you. You need to stop this. I know we hang in the same neighborhoods and enjoy certain blocks more than others, but I think this is going to be too much. Sure, sometimes I’m stuck in the cold and need to use some WiFi, so I’ll pop in and buy a venti mocha frap (of course with whipped cream! I don’t mess around) and connect… but, please… don’t over-think that. I… well, I figured we could move along amicably as acquaintances… y’know, until the whole “brick-through-your-window” incident blew over as nothing more than a hilarious post-adolescent misguided angsty youth thing! No? Well ok, fine. I guess if I have to keep seeing more of you, I can try to adjust my attitude as well… but we need to work on this together… so please stop over-roasting my coffee… and I know you know my name. Let’s stop getting petty. [HuffPo]
With temperatures steadily in the 40s this week, you’re probably asking yourself: “I wonder whatever happened to Jodie Sweetin from Full House?”. Well, she got knocked up and owes 30K in back taxes – true story. Now once that’s settled in and you realize you’re probably doing better than Stephanie Tanner, head to one of these 10 toasty fireplaced bars and cozy up with a drink or 5. [Gothamist]
Guy Fieri’s new restaurant: It opened, and it’s awful…well, according to NY Times‘ food critic Peter Wells. For those who haven’t read the complete story, Wells went to Guy’s American Kitchen and was so inspired… er… perplexed by the edibles, that he drummed up an essay of rhetorical questions ranging from “Guy Fieri, have you eaten at your new restaurant in Times Square?” to “Hey, did you try that blue drink, the one that glows like nuclear waste? The watermelon margarita? Any idea why it tastes like some combination of radiator fluid and formaldehyde?”. Wells’ candor is anything but flattering and definitely provokes some cheap laughs at Fieri (because, well, why not?), but conversely makes me think “It can’t be that bad… can it?” Looks like we’re going to Flavortown. [NY Times]
By Alexander Robinson
After last week’s distressing heat wave, you probably found yourself wondering
what Phillip Noyce was up to if this happens again, what are some cool ways to keep cool (right?!) that don’t involve laying naked on a wet towel for hours on end? You’re in luck. After some research that definitely did not involve laying naked on a wet towel for hours – these simple, yet effective methods blossomed to fruition…
Lay naked on a wet towel for hours. Take a shower. Don’t have a shower? Call a friend and use a friend’s shower. Don’t have a friend? Go to McCarren Park, avoid being face-punched, and don’t do a backflip! You’ll make friends in no time.
2. Find a hose. This should probably be number one, as hoses are awesome. They fight fires, fill up kiddy pools, keep kids off the lawn, and are an intrinsic part of slip-n-slides & comical skits showing how weak someone is! Also, you can spray your friends in the face and drink out of ‘em!
3: Open your freezer and stick your face in there. Not only will you get an abrupt icy blast, you’ll be able to come to terms with the fact that those frozen vegetables that’ve been there for a year and a half probably aren’t going anywhere… “But maybe I’ll cook those this week…” No you won’t. Just take them out, wrap them in a paper towel and put them on your forehead… then take pictures of how awesome you look.
4. Grab a friend and an ice pack. Brush your teeth. Sit at some sort of annoying angle on the floor and blow on said ice pack so that your breath deflects from the ice pack right onto your friends face. This is essentially how A/C’s work (knowledge!) and from what I understand, how Mr. Freeze works too. Do this lil’ quick tip at a party for a great way to break the ice… (pause for roaring laughter…… anndddd finish with kiss-fingers-throw-peace-sign…. perfect).
5. Go to a store with A/C and loiter for hours while looking very concerned about the products. General stores work great for this because their walls are teeming with only-moderately-useful tools from the late 90s and what I assume to be one-of-a-kind authentic holograms of tigers. Definitely pick something up and tinker with it for a few minutes, comparing it to something else that bears no similarities, thus leading you to nod your head in approval and mouth the words “ohh ok” slowly, and with delicate concern.
6. Cut your jeans/khakis/dress pants into shorts. And throw them out the window. Because your mesh Umbros and Fila tennis shorts will be doing all the work for you this Summer. Champ.
7. Throw an A/C party. Which is definitely a real thing. Call all your friends and tell them to bring their A/Cs over to your place. They will, because hauling an A/C around isn’t difficult at all and you told them you were naked on a towel. When they get there, throw old frozen vegetables at them whilst blowing rapidly on ice-packs in their general direction. By the time they realize what the hell is going on, they’ll think you’re suffering from a heat stroke and promptly install the A/C. To keep the crazy going – keep saying “ICE TO MEET YOU” and laughing at your own ability to quote pop-culture 90s flicks. You’re welcome.
By Alexander Robinson
Smaller and objectively less chock-full of over-excited frisbee players than McCarren Park, ERSP offers an unimpeded view of Manhattan, and a somewhat precarious East River… beach-ish shoreline, picturesque with fatigued pilings that will undoubtedly look great with any Instagram filter.
duration: 20 mins
level of excitement: ★
Good Food. Cheap drinks. Great free comedy. Every night the Creek offers a slew of great stand-ups, performers, & guided tours Mexican food. Many of the regular comics have been featured on late-night shows such as Conan, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, & that British guy who used to be on The Drew Carey Show! As for eats/potables, they’ll serve up Flautas (hot), Tecates (cold), & 6 draft options (lukewarm?). They also have nightly specials/ a bunch of tequila… so, there’s that.
duration: 26 mins
level of excitement: ★★
Want to play pool? No? Ping Pong? Nah? Bowling? Air Hockey? NO?! Well then you’re either 1) boring; 2) someone who doesn’t want to be boring but isn’t that good at games and is nervous about practicing because you think your friends will laugh at you, and then Josh will film it on his camera phone and put it on Facebook for everyone to see hasn’t had a really awesome place to practice at. Enter: Oceans 8. Loaded with pool tables and generous prices/portions, this is a great summer spot. The interior is dark, weird, and loud – so coming from Bushwick - it’ll feel just like home! Check out their happy hour for $2 Coors and $4 Margs from 2-7pm Tuesday-Friday.
duration: 27 mins
level of excitement: ★
More fun than a roof, and boozier than a church, Spritzenhaus is to beer gardens as Emilio Estevez is to that team of rag-tag, hockey playing youths… an example. I ended up here one time after being kicked out of another bar for playing this weird game where you put a finger on a cup and yell numbers that correspond to how many fingers are on the cup… anyways, it’s unimportant, except for the fact that at Spritzenhaus, people wanted to join our confusingly noisy game! Unfortunately, they didn’t want to play “Buy me food!” as that game’s not real and I’m not that persuasive. Speaking of which, they have a loaded selection of sausage & brats, pizza, and other snacks to complement all their beer. So go sit at communal tables (some are even on the sidewalk outside), play Jenga, eat, drink, then convince someone to buy your tab! or don’t… y’know, it’s your life.
duration: 19 mins
level of excitement: ★★★
Damn right you can bike to the park named after the myth, the man, the Danish American social reformer, “muckraking” journalist and social documentary photographer… And what a way to pay homage! This is one hell-of-a-ride from Bushwick, but if you crank it out with a friend… (bike joke!) you’ll get to cruise through some of the most considerably characteristic, older-than-your-parents neighborhoods Brooklyn’s created. Also, the bike lane seriously goes about 14 of the 15 miles to the beach, so no ending up on the BQE thinking top yourself: it’s been a pretty good life… I should’ve told my mom I loved her more… Pfft… I could be a bike messenger – No Fear shirt and everything! Here’s a brief route description: it’s basically Bedford all the way down to the coast (and vice-versa). Depending on where you live, you’ll need to get to Bedford (said everyone in Williamsburg to their friends back home) but that is reasonably easy from anywhere is Brooklyn. Once you cross over the bridge, hang a right to go towards Tilden or a left to venture towards Rockaway (why?!). Extra points for a boogie board… TRIPLE RUSH!
duration: 1 hour 13 mins
level of excitement: ★★★★