Keep it cool, Bushwick

By Alexander Robinson

After last week’s distressing heat wave, you probably found yourself wondering what Phillip Noyce was up to if this happens again, what are some cool ways to keep cool (right?!) that don’t involve laying naked on a wet towel for hours on end? You’re in luck. After some research that definitely did not involve laying naked on a wet towel for hours – these simple, yet effective methods blossomed to fruition…

1. Lay naked on a wet towel for hours. Take a shower. Don’t have a shower? Call a friend and use a friend’s shower. Don’t have a friend? Go to McCarren Park, avoid being face-punched, and don’t do a backflip! You’ll make friends in no time.

2. Find a hose. This should probably be number one, as hoses are awesome. They fight fires, fill up kiddy pools, keep kids off the lawn, and are an intrinsic part of slip-n-slides & comical skits showing how weak someone is! Also, you can spray your friends in the face and drink out of ’em!

3: Open your freezer and stick your face in there. Not only will you get an abrupt icy blast, you’ll be able to come to terms with the fact that those frozen vegetables that’ve been there for a year and a half probably aren’t going anywhere… “But maybe I’ll cook those this week…” No you won’t. Just take them out, wrap them in a paper towel and put them on your forehead… then take pictures of how awesome you look.

4. Grab a friend and an ice pack. Brush your teeth. Sit at some sort of annoying angle on the floor and blow on said ice pack so that your breath deflects from the ice pack right onto your friends face. This is essentially how A/C’s work (knowledge!) and from what I understand, how Mr. Freeze works too. Do this lil’ quick tip at a party for a great way to break the ice… (pause for roaring laughter…… anndddd finish with kiss-fingers-throw-peace-sign…. perfect).

5. Go to a store with A/C and loiter for hours while looking very concerned about the products. General stores work great for this because their walls are teeming with only-moderately-useful tools from the late 90s and what I assume to be one-of-a-kind authentic holograms of tigers. Definitely pick something up and tinker with it for a few minutes, comparing it to something else that bears no similarities, thus leading you to nod your head in approval and mouth the words “ohh ok” slowly, and with delicate concern.

6. Cut your jeans/khakis/dress pants into shorts. And throw them out the window. Because your mesh Umbros and Fila tennis shorts will be doing all the work for you this Summer. Champ.

7. Throw an A/C party. Which is definitely a real thing. Call all your friends and tell them to bring their A/Cs over to your place. They will, because hauling an A/C around isn’t difficult at all and you told them you were naked on a towel. When they get there, throw old frozen vegetables at them whilst blowing rapidly on ice-packs in their general direction. By the time they realize what the hell is going on, they’ll think you’re suffering from a heat stroke and promptly install the A/C. To keep the crazy going – keep saying “ICE TO MEET YOU” and laughing at your own ability to quote pop-culture 90s flicks. You’re welcome.

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