The aliens are coming! The aliens are coming! And they’re landing just off of the L Train.
Yes, you read that right. While our government was too busy panicking about “illegal” aliens, literal space aliens casually immigrated to the skies of New York, at least according to Reddit user PieGod483: “I was…on my rooftop having lunch with a friend…in the distance two very small objects appeared that looked silver-ish in color were floating and moving slowly…I started to get the light headed sensation in my head when you stand up too fast.”
I read this, freaked, and being the true “Guardian of the Galaxy” that I (like to pretend I) am, felt the supernatural next step was to reach out to PieGod and get to the bottom of this suspicious sighting. One problem with this Planet Endor-esque plan however: I am terrified of aliens. (I saw “Mars Attacks!” far too young, which I now realize was meant to be a comedy.) I mean, terrified. Little-Me was so scared that I made my mother acquire Mexican “Protection Dolls” to ward potential-evil-aliens from kidnapping me in the night, and I’m very much not over this fear, which is weird, as I’m a huge fan of horror.
I’ve seen all of the Hellraiser films (including the one that went straight to DVD), adore and often fall asleep to gruesome-true-crime shows, obsessively research serial killers, have tried to contact ghosts, have been attacked by ghosts (more on this later), drench myself in fake-blood every Halloween* — you get it. I’m into scary things. (*I was an “afterlife guard” in 2014 — a very bloody one, so bloody I didn’t get a security deposit back as I’d bloodied the wall in my previous home that badly.)
But something about aliens still scares the hell(raiser) out of me, except the Toy Story victims of “The Claw;” those were cute. Anyway, PieGod initially responded quickly, which was great. But then, PieGod went MIA, then couldn’t talk because he burnt his hand on an iron, then was busy at dinner with family, then I lost my phone—the point is, I couldn’t get him on the phone and was convinced that:
A. Aliens abducted him and were responding on his behalf or
B. They were interfering with our personal lives (burning his hand, hiding my phone) to prevent us from speaking.
Whatever the case, ET could not phone home (or in this case, reporter), and these close encounters with PieGod left me so hopeless and frightened I was left with no choice but to fake Gryffindor bravery, channel Olivia Benson and Scully, and look into the phenomenon myself. So I took a deep breath and (star)trekked straight into that part of Google: “UFO Sightings in Brooklyn New York.”
My father, a touring musician, was visiting at the time. He sat in my kitchen perplexed at what I’m doing with my life as I asked him to be quiet so I could Google aliens and attempt to contact said UFO-spotter. I asked if he remembered how afraid I was of “Mars Attacks!” He did, and sighed. (Even though he claims a “dancing woman” in Rome cast an evil spell on him, leaving him with a devil “screaming in his ear” for five years until a shaman cleansed his soul at a spiritual ceremony Olivia Hussey took him to in the eighties so like WHO is the irrational one here, Dad?)
It turns out that PieGod is far from alone: UFOs are spotted in Brooklyn all the time, and quite like millenials, like to linger off of the L.
Exhibit One: YouTube user TheFallGuy53 spotted a UFO from his Bushwick stoop in 2011.
Exhibit Two: In 2010, Artist Tina DeRamus captured footage of a UFO in Williamsburg.
Exhibit Seven: This very comprehensive list of all UFO sightings in the state of New York, TWO HUNDRED AND SEVENTY OF WHICH WERE IN BROOKLYN.
And so on and so For-bidden Planet-th.
Five days of insanity and alien-induced-phone-tag later, I got in touch with PieGod. By this point I was:
A. Looking into alien transmitters (Cut to me Googling “How to contact aliens.” Not kidding.).
B. Had styled my hair to compliment my tinfoil hat. (JK. Or am I? Cut to: GlamSquad Notes: “Hair must match tinfoil do not ask.”)
It turns out PieGod is a real estate agent (do you think he sells property on Cloverfield Lane?), we have a close friend in common, and he’s super nice and normal. I had him break it down, and here’s a play by play of what exactly happened that day on his rooftop:
1. PieGod and friend sit on PieGod’s roof eating lunch around noon. They were totally sober.
2. PieGod looks into the distance and notices two “dots” moving in sync, perfectly, and eerily, equidistant. They slowly come to a stop.
3. The dots remain completely still — he’s never seen anything like it.
4. An important detail that was left out of the Reddit post: PieGod tried to take a video, but watching the footage later realized nothing was caught on the camera.
5. He puts his phone away and stares for as long as possible (about a minute) but starts to feel faint, followed by a head rush.
6. His vision “turns white,” blinding him for about thirty seconds.
7. His vision returns: the dots disappeared.
8. His friend confirms that he experienced it too.
9. Panicked, PieGod runs downstairs and documents the experience, desperate to find someone else who saw the same thing. (No one did.)
I asked PieGod if he had always believed in aliens, and he had, though he’d never had an encounter like this before. He had however had run-ins with the supernatural in “old houses” in upstate New York, which I’ve had too!!! Remember the ghost that attacked me?! Clearly, PieGod and I are on the same radio-transmitter-wavelength.
Alas. Despite speaking with PieGod I’m nowhere closer to solving the mystery and left only with crippling-alien-paranoia and a Firefox search history that will deeply concern the NSA—and NASA. So I suppose all I can do is watch Star Wars and Space Jam and pretend the scary aliens are really just Ewoks and Elmer Fudd, and pray that some good will come out of this: perhaps an indie remake of “Cowboys vs. Aliens,” but with hipsters — or “Dude Where’s My Car?” but with the L Train, oh, wait—that’s actually happening.
Oh, aliens, one last thing: If you’re looking to move to Bushwick (which is sort of seems like you are) get in touch with PieGod—he’ll go no-fee for extraterrestrials.