Hi, I’m Niki Davis a consent and sexuality educator and Bushwick Daily’s Bedroom Coach. Every other humpday, I’ll answer your sex and relationship questions. Submit your anonymous questions to [email protected] or slide them into my DMs @nikidavisf.
I’m into feet and I haven’t yet told my girlfriend (we’ve been together for 2 years). I would love to involve this in our sexual routine– but I’m scared that she will judge me or think of me differently if I tell her. This is anonymous, right?
Yes – this forum is completely anonymous and thank you for sharing your experience with me. It must be difficult being in a relationship with someone for so long and not sharing this part of yourself with them.
Actually, getting aroused by feet is incredibly common. One theory that is often used to explain this is that the sensory map in the brain associated with one’s genitals and one’s feet are in close proximity to each other. As a result, to put it extremely simply, the areas often co-activate (more info here). There is no reason to be embarrassed by this, however, we live in a society that is still sexually repressive in a lot of ways so I understand why you may have not felt safe to share this preference with your partner.
I’m wondering what makes you think that your girlfriend will judge you if you tell her. Is she super judgemental in general? Has she reacted negatively to similar topics? In general, do you feel safe being genuine and sharing other parts of yourself with her? If not, there may be a larger issue afoot (sorry couldn’t help it).
However, if there are no major signs that your girlfriend will be unable to have a productive non-judgemental conversation with you about this, I think you should tell her if/when you are ready.
Here are a few tips about how to set the stage for this discussion. First, instead of framing it as “I want to do XYZ to you…” frame it as “I’m aroused by XYZ.” This will give your girlfriend space to process — without immediately putting herself into the equation.
Secondly, I suggest that this conversation happen when you are hanging out and NOT during a hookup. This environment will be more conducive to a fruitful discussion and will give her a chance to process what you’re saying without feeling pressure to immediately do something.
It is also important to understand that she may or may not be into experimenting with foot play. You might tell her what you’re into and she might not down. While you are in this relationship, this may remain a subject of fantasy for you. As long as this works for you, it is completely fine to find other outlets for this desire (like porn).
However, your partner may be willing to think about incorporating feet into your sex play in some way. If so, I suggest starting slowly. The exact iteration of this will depend on what particular sexual interests you have in relation to feet, but perhaps begin by watching porn that shows foot play together or giving your girlfriend a foot rub before getting involved in anything too elaborate.
Lastly, I suggest asking your girlfriend if there is anything that she is into sexually that may have not yet been revealed. She may be open to trying foot play not because feet turn her on, but because having you turned on really gets her off or because she wants to do this for you. That is totally fine, but quid pro quo, bro. See if there is anything spicy you can do for her. Keep the dialogue going before, during, and after the encounter when experimenting with fresh activities.
Hit me up at [email protected]m or @nikidavisf with your sex and relationship questions and I’ll catch you in a couple weeks – keep it spicy out there Bushwick!
@nikidavisf is a full time consent educator and does private sex and relationship coaching sessions. The focus of her Masters was positive sexuality and she has lectured at NYU, The United Nations and many other venues on the subjects of sexual communication, sexual assault intervention and support, and human sexuality.
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