Hi, I’m Niki Davis a consent and sexuality educator and Bushwick Daily’s Bedroom Coach. Every other humpday, I’ll answer your sex and relationship questions. Submit your anonymous questions to [email protected] or slide them into my DMs @nikidavisf.
I’ve slept with this girl a few times and she always seems super into me when we’re out on dates and when we make out but when it comes time to fuck she gets kind of quiet and weird but keeps hitting me up to hanging out for round 2, 3 and 4.
Thank you for writing in to ask about this – you’re clearly a little concerned about the situation and I think there are a number of things that could be going on.
The Best Case Scenario:
Not everyone emulates porn when they are enjoying sexy time – some people may naturally be quiet, but they may still be thoroughly enjoying what’s going on.
What Is More Likely:
A brief consent talk may be necessary at this point, because as a consent educator I see a couple potential red flags. It is important that consent conversations move beyond a “no means no” to a “yes means yes” mentality. This “FUCK YES!” ideology better represents what it means to enthusiastically enjoy an experience and is corroborated by research on the various reasons someone may not say no during a hookup – but may not actually be enjoying what’s going on.
For example, just because she consented to make out with you and was mad into it – that doesn’t necessarily mean that she wanted to fuck. I’m curious what the conversation was, if any, as the hookup escalated from making out to fucking? ALWAYS check in with your partner – especially when the non-verbal cues are unclear, which they seem to be in this situation, because communication often breaks down as a hookup escalates.
I also want to point out the difference between active and passive consent. Active (or enthusiastic) consent is when a person verbally or non-verbally shows that they are engaged and enjoying an interaction. Of course, this gets complex because people show enjoyment and engagement differently, but you should be able to differentiate between someone being “into a hookup” from someone not saying no, but being disengaged, looking down, and not responding.
In this case, I’m not exactly sure what you mean when you say she gets “quiet and weird” but this is potentially a sign that she’s not comfortable with what’s going on. If you ever notice someone disengaging during a hookup – this is the time to immediately stop what you’re doing and check in with them. If for no other reason, then because do we really want to be fucking someone who doesn’t want to be fucking us?
Keep in mind that just because she keeps hitting you up that does not necessarily mean that she consented during the encounter – humans are allowed to be strange and complex creatures.
Perhaps you need to step up your game.
Maybe she is into you, maybe she is consenting but your moves aren’t doing it for her. What can you possibly do about this? Ask her what she’s into or what feels good for her! I know — revolutionary. However, it makes sense that people have difficulty communicating about sex. In many cultures there is a lot of shame surrounding sex not to mention the fact that most schools don’t provide effective sex education that goes beyond prevention and protection (if you’re lucky!).
Can you think of even one romantic comedy (or porno!?) where both partners communicate about what they like/don’t like and don’t magically and intuitively know each other’s bodies (if so please link below – the romantic comedies, maybe not the pornos). Briefly, some specific advice for those that are pleasuring humans with vaginas — don’t rush the foreplay and DON’T FORGET ABOUT THE CLITORIS!
So, how do you figure out which of the three situations it is (or if it’s another one I haven’t thought of)?
ASK HER! Be like, hey I couldn’t tell if you were into it the last couple times we hooked up – are you a naturally quiet lover? Did you really want to be fucking me? If so, is there something I could do to make the experience more enjoyable for you?
A discussion about this material is key so if you have thoughts please comment below. Hit me up at [email protected] or @nikidavisf with your sex and relationship questions and I’ll catch you in a couple weeks – keep it spicy out there Bushwick!
@nikidavisf is a full time consent educator and does private sex and relationship coaching sessions. The focus of her Masters was positive sexuality and she has lectured at NYU, The United Nations and many other venues on the subjects of sexual communication, sexual assault intervention and support, and human sexuality.
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