He was a rapper who happened to be polyamorous. Before dating him, I thought I knew what that meant. But even for us millennials, the reality of polyamory often remains elusive. What does it mean to date more than one person at the same time? I had a best friend in college with two perfectly consenting girlfriends. She had her primary partner who was from Canada and her secondary partner who we also went to college with. They seemed to live in domestic bliss. So why couldn’t I?

Polyamory is a careful web of social relationships. There are usually primary partners. Two people who are in an emotional and physical relationship. Then, both partners are free to pursue other relationships. These other relationships may or may not be physical and emotional. Both partners negotiate their needs and expectations.

Many people I know often wonder what the difference is between polyamory and open relationships. Open relationships usually have more rules and usually only the primary partnership is emotional. Polyamory has risen to be a well-known phenomenon charted in Rolling Stone and the New York Times alike. From “The Ethical Slut” to “Insecure,” the rise of seeing other people has launched electric think-pieces and essays. My friend Pat often says gay people shrug at open relationships and polyamory. Many do. Grindr is filled with “open relationship” tags and people looking for thirds.