I desperately want to say yes to this question, but I really don’t think it’s true for a lot of women. I admire women who are capable of sleeping with someone for the hell of it, but I don’t think it happens as often as the ladies let on. It’s just not cool to say you want to have a relationship with the person you’ve had sex with. If you go there, people will think you’re weak and needy. Ugh!
Well, what if we blame it on biology? I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but let me recap: If the cavewoman had sex and she got pregnant, she’d be stuck with the baby. So she’d only want to f@# a guy she’d want to coerce into helping bring up her brat. Dudes need to fuck a lot of women so they can dominate the tribe. They can’t be that picky or get attached. They need that quantity of pregnant women and offspring to dominate the other dudes. And I’ve got science to back me up. ”Remember, it is your oxytocin-sensitive female body that allows you to experience full-bodied, multiple orgasms.” – Science
Scientific evidence or not, I just don’t think evolution has gotten us past that scenario. I do think there are some women who have evolved past it and we can make them our role models. But for the rest of the ladies, no matter what we in our minds want and act on, we may still feel conflicted in our emotional hot spots after getting it on. Sorry, it sucks. All I’m sayin’ is, sleep with whomever you like, and if you wind up feeling more attached than you expected to, that’s fine. Bear in mind, it may not be something special about the guy – it could just be some leftover cavewoman imprinting. I think we ladies often feel angry because we assume it’s some sort of old person moral judgment that we’re rebelling against. I don’t think you’re being judged; it’s your biology that you’re angry at.
The point I’m making is, ladies, if you get hung up on someone just cause you f*#ked them, don’t make it personal. It’s hormones – they will subside if you don’t keep doing it. And guys, you don’t need to feel so responsible. It’s not you, it’s anybody. Being direct about where everyone is at with the f*#king is key however.
Dear Dr. Lisa:
I’m a 33-year-old account executive in an ad agency and I have been friends with benefits with someone for the past year and a half. I’ve made it clear I’m not up for a relationship and it’s just sex and friendship. I am very polite with her and do not hit on women when we’re together. We’re both allowed to sleep with whomever we like, but as she preferred, we do not discuss it. In truth, I’ve only hooked up with about three other women since we’ve been together. I have felt all along that she’s been much more interested in me than I am in her. This unspoken yet evident imbalance in interest (her texts, ready availability, just really her attitude in general) makes me feel like we’re not on the same page and a little self-conscious when we’re together. I’ve been clear about not getting into a real relationship with her and she seems to agree, so I take her by her word, even if her actions and her spirit don’t always add up.
Here’s the issue. Over the weekend, she texted me and invited me out. I thought I sent her a “maybe” reply, but because of a tech mistake, it didn’t go out. She was furious with me, so I told her if she was this invested in receiving a reply from me, and not getting one would make her go ape shit, maybe we shouldn’t see each other.
I am not a bad guy – I took her at her word. What do you make of all this?
I can see what happened, and I think you can too. She wanted more and likely pretended to you and herself that she wasn’t as interested in having a real boyfriend as she thought. I’m guessing these feelings built up in her – a year and a half is a long time – and when the water boiled, the whistle blew. It’s really no one’s fault; just people not really being honest with themselves and, therefore, with each other. I think you did the right thing, you took her at her word and acted accordingly. You were conscious of how she would feel if you flirted with other women in front of her. And when the accident happened, she jumped to conclusions.
I wish she was able to acknowledge within herself and out loud to you more clearly what she really needed. I also wish there was less of an imbalance between the quantities of available men versus women in this town. And world peace. I wish we could have world peace. And free drinks all Sunday night at every bar in Bushwick. And that I wouldn’t have to spend money to straighten my hair…But, as I was saying, I am left wondering if, after having gotten to know this person over time, you may be relieved in a sense to be unburdened of her. Or are you left completely unscarred by all this, even if you are in the right? I doubt it. I bet you feel bad about what happened, just like I do. And also, she did fulfill some of your needs so I’m sure you will miss her on some level. Are you being honest with yourself about that – you may be hurting a bit too? Who doesn’t want to have someone in their life, besides relatives, who thinks they’re incredible no matter what?
The truth is that guys generally have the upper hand emotionally when it comes to casual sex, so if you don’t want emotional responsibility, the easiest thing to do is to not sleep with one woman regularly. Keep it moving, once a month max, and no long dinners and no cute-next-day-afters, either.
Dr. Lisa, S.P. (Self-Proclaimed) is ready to address any issue about your art, life, job, sex, you name it. She answers all emails and she will post some of her responses right here. Please send emails to: firstname.lastname@example.org.Related 2013-03-27