In this letter I received this week, a young woman wanted to know if she should wait out to see if her boyfriend would commit to being monogamous. Since I am a hetero female and may have my own biases, I decided I would check in with “sexual illusionist” Crimson Kitty. Bushwick Daily’s own Cat Agnois introduced us after I saw this piece Cat wrote with Crimson modeling.
The easiest way to shorthand what Crimson’s gig is, is to say female drag queen. Miss Crimson Kitty is drag daughter of legendary drag queen Rebecca Glasscock of RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 1 fame. More on Crimson, courtesy of HuffPo.
Here’s the letter. My email chat with Crimson is after the letter. Do I have to read it to you??
Dear Dr. Lisa
I am a 30-yr-old Bushwick resident. I am a graphic designer. I’ve been dating a writer/producer at the Discovery Channel for almost a year. He refuses to commit to being monogamous with me. We get along great, our sense of humor make a perfect match and we have a really great sexual relationship, too.
I honestly don’t think he has actually slept with anyone else, but he just wants to feel like he can. At the risk of sounding arrogant, I think I’m much better looking and more fun than he is and I really think he and I both know he’s lucky to be dating me. I’ve met his family a bunch of times and they really like me too.
I keep thinking that it’s just that he’s a couple of years younger than me and that he’s going to grow out of wanting to have the option to sleep with other women. What’s your opinion? Should I wait it out or leave?
Thanks!
Patience
From: Lisa Levy <[email protected]>
To: CrimsonKitty <email withheld>
Sent: Monday, March 31, 2014 11:00 PM
Subject: Help With Advice Column
Hi Crimson-
Will you help me answer this letter from your perspective? I say it’s bad for her self-esteem to hang with a guy that doesn’t commit sexually if that’s what it seems like he’s pretty much doing anyway. But what do you think, you’re more sexually adventurous than I am of course. Unlike you, I perform with all of my clothes on. Unless I’m having actual sex in private of course.
Thanks!
XO Dr. Lisa
From: CrimsonKitty <email withheld>
To: Lisa Levy <[email protected]>
Sent: Monday, March 31, 2014 11:09 PM
Subject: Re: Help With Advice Column
Dr. Lisa-
I don’t necessarily agree with you (you, uptight pretend shrink). Maybe he’s polyamorous. She should deal.
-Crimson
From: Lisa Levy <[email protected]>
To: CrimsonKitty <email withheld>
Sent: Monday, March 31, 2014 11:27 PM
Subject: Re: Help With Advice Column
Crim-
But that’s different. I don’t get the feeling he’s interested in polyamory. Truth be told, she’s a graphic designer, he’s a writer/producer at the Discovery Channel. They don’t sound like an obvious poly couple because they both must be so focused on their careers that they wouldn’t have the time or fortitude to make the effort to have an alt lifestyle.
I think he’s just holding out cause of his ego. They sound like they’re in a bit of a power struggle. He doesn’t want to give in and see that she’ll stick around and she keeps reminding herself that she’s “better” than him.
-XL
From: CrimsonKitty <email withheld>
To: Lisa Levy <[email protected]>
Sent: Monday, March 31, 2014 11:56 PM
Subject: Re: Help With Advice Column
Yeah I see what you mean about the power struggle. She needs to work on her confidence!
From: Lisa Levy <[email protected]>
To: CrimsonKitty <email withheld>
Sent: Monday, March 31, 2014 12:15 AM
Subject: Re: Help With Advice Column
So true! If she doesn’t develop her confidence, she’s going to fall into a similar man pit with another dude. Bottom line is—she needs to develop her sense of self-esteem. Guys can smell a chick’s low self-esteem like a dog to a garbage bag. The other side of the coin is some guy who sees she’s got issues and tries to rescue her. That’s not good either. I’ll go out on a limb and say she has Graphic Design Perfectionist Syndrome and is overly self-critical.
The guy isn’t the whole issue, but it’s also likely keeping her stuck in neutral. Figuring out how to appreciate herself more would be better served by spending time with people who already know how to appreciate themselves and therefore not be insecure about appreciating others (her) as well. Hang with people who have their shit together.
From: CrimsonKitty <email withheld>
To: Lisa Levy <[email protected]>
Sent: Tuesday, April 1, 2014 12:42 AM
Subject: Re: Help With Advice Column
What you said, Doc!
From: Lisa Levy <[email protected]>
To: CrimsonKitty <email withheld>
Sent: Tuesday, April 1, 2014 1:03 AM
Subject: Re: Help With Advice Column
I knew we’d get there. Thanks for your help, you gorgeous being!
XO Dr. Lisa
Dr. Lisa is here to answer your questions or respond to your thoughts and ideas. Send her and e-mail at: lisa.levy0511ATgmail.com.