Dr. Lisa asks Santa for an expensive facial.
I don’t think “the holidays” are a good time for self-improvement, but it is a great time for crazy fun and forgiveness. Mostly forgiving yourself for whatever 2012 fuckups you’re still thinking about, but forgiving others is good, too. Therefore, this is my last post until after New Years.
I have a great date tip to share with you. It’s free, fun, and a wee bit daring, which makes it more of a bonding experience for a date: Get high and visit Santa! You can really find out a lot about someone when you hear what he or she wants from Santa and the pot will help steer the experience from self-conscious to absurdly hilarious. Plus it’s so unwholesome to be stoned on Santa’s lap!
Above is a video of my experience from a date with a man who is now my husband! The video is from a few years ago. We went to Santa at Macy’s Herald Square. They’re open until 9 p.m. and if you go late, there’s much less waiting and pesky children. I wanted a fancy facial and I didn’t know how to describe it to Santa, but the guy I was with married me anyway.
Q. Trouble moving on from a douchebag: Hi Dr. Lisa. Up until last October I had been in a relationship with this guy for five and a half years; the breakup was mutual. I jumped into a rebound relationship and ended it after five months to finally deal with the breakup. He started seeing a girl he worked with (who was the root of many arguments) two months after the breakup and they’re still together. For some reason, I’m suddenly having a very hard time dealing with it. I’d like to be able to move on and start working toward a friendship with him, and he says he wants the same, but then doesn’t respond to texts or otherwise make any effort toward it. A mutual friend told me it’s because the new girl is jealous. Why the hell is he willing to stop texting me out of respect for her when we had five and a half years of good history and memories? When we were together he thought it was ridiculous when I asked him to not text her during our hangout time. I know he’s a rude jerk and I shouldn’t care, but I’m very hurt by his actions and not quite sure how to deal with it. Any advice beyond “Forget about him, he sucks” would be greatly appreciated.
A. You’re in pain and I’m sorry. Everyone knows how that is. But I’m afraid the answer is right here in your question, “He started seeing a girl he worked with (who was the root of many arguments) two months after the breakup and they’re still together. For some reason I’m suddenly having a very hard time dealing with it.”
It sounds to me like this guy likes having you around to build up his self-esteem, so he’s not upfront about letting you go. I believe this is why you are having a hard time dealing with it. He’s seeing someone else, as you know, yet he says he wants to be your friend, but then he doesn’t put any effort in. He’s a selfish, insecure pussy about telling you he has moved on, so if he won’t, I will.
You need to get in touch with your anger right away, girl! He’s been leading you on by saying he wants to be friends because he feels guilty about his new girl and he likes getting attention from you. No more of that. The best cure for you is to use your anger to get past him.
Q: Deal breaker holiday decoration differences: Hey Doc: My girlfriend is really adamant about decorating for the holidays. It’s not that I don’t like decorating, I’m all for it, it’s just that I can’t stand her taste. Thank G-D that we don’t live together. I’m a creative person and I like everything to be fun, super colorful, and original. She’s a lawyer and likes things to be beautiful and elegant. I always thought of us as an “opposites attract” couple that balance each other out, but this whole holiday decorating thing is creeping me out about moving in or moving forward with our relationship. Her apartment is usually okay, but now I feel like I’m visiting my parents. Is it crazy to break up with someone because you can’t stand his or her Christmas tree and all that goes with it?
A. It’s funny how all the different aspects of the holidays push our family upbringing buttons. If this is the first time her decorations have really gotten to you, I think you need to examine what memories holidays or holiday decorations bring up for you. I’m thinking you probably didn’t feel like you had enough control over the decorations growing up.
You may also be having some fear of commitment issues that are another mostly unspoken issue of holiday fallout. Are there some family invitations or events that are making you uncomfortable because they are too intimate for you?
I think you need to dial this back a bit, you may be overreacting; projecting heavy emotions onto holiday decorations right now is self-destructive. Stay in the moment and ignore the boring bows and white-only lights. A lot of the time creative people get on their “I’m creative and you’re not” high horse and that’s never a position in which a creative person can look good. Bear in mind that for all of us, “creative” or not, (by the way, everyone is creative in one way or another), our taste is one of the very basic ways we humans get to express ourselves. In the future, learning how to negotiate linen and bookshelf purchases is an important part of any relationship; it’s a way to help develop the tools needed to negotiate serious decisions later, no matter who the decorating partner is.
