Hey Bushwick,

You know how you’re so cool and shit? How you’re the cutting-edge,¬†bohemian-paradiso that the second-best-living-president comes to for fine pizza dining?

Well, you’re so cool that our favorite mayor’s office issued a permit for a wireless-bluetooth-speaker¬†commercial to be filmed on Bogart and Grattan. The title: “Spread The Jam!” Oh boy!

What I could surmise while watching from Fuchs Projects’s window was that there were some skateboarders in “vintage” 90’s gear. One person looked like a pineapple. A person who didn’t look like a pineapple screamed toward the roof of 49 Bogart to “Spread the Jam!” This sent a bunch of hipster extras in a free-for-all running hither and yon, never straying from Bogart Street.

Then, there were some “suits” sitting outside Brooklyn’s Natural at conveniently placed tables and chairs. After start-stop running (which will probably look cool with the HD steady cams that were operating) all the people gathered under an Econoline Minivan with a mountain lion airbrushed on the side.

A young lady was there to preach at the crowd with a megaphone, and here we finally found out what was being sold: “Jam Bluetooth Wireless Speakers comes in six spreadable colors – Spread the Jam!”

Then all the hipsters and suits began dancing in the streets, throwing buckets of corn syrup on one another. Spreading the jam as it were.

Later, they attached a fire hose to the hydrant and began spraying down the street and prop cars. No harm, no foul right? Well, 49 Bogart had a sticky residue on the handrail. Swallow Cafe felt the need to put up a sign that read “Our bathroom is not the Cast and Crew bathroom.” and two of the “hipster” extras blocked the goddamned door to the cafe for two hours.

Part of me wants to say you brought this on yourself Morgantown. But the other part of me is mystified by the casting call for this commercial:

The type that would do karaoke and dance – good energy – but definitely hip Brooklyn types.”

And for your troubles, you “hip extras”, you’ll earn $175 + 10% agent fee. The “hip principles” made $500 (including buyout) +10%.

So come back when you get paid hipsters, you sprayed the street in corn syrup. The least you can do is take us out to dinner. All we’re asking for are some Sweetbreads and a nice Swordfish Dinner from Roberta’s.

Don’t get me wrong jammers: Get paid.

This is the logical conclusion to Occupy Wall Street after all.