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Dr. Lisa: Quacky Questions Including One About Handjobs

I love answering questions here, but sometimes you get some that you can’t believe are real

I love answering questions here, but sometimes you get some that you can’t believe are real. Are they? Who cares if they’re worth thinking about! Here are some good ones. Let me know if you think they’re real or fake. And yes, I know it’s annoying and feels manipulative that I put the word “handjobs” in the headline, but I work hard on this stuff and I want to make sure that you to read it. Also check out this brilliant illustration created specifically for this column by 

Jeremy Nguyen

.

HandJob copyrsm

Q. Dear Dr. Lisa: What’s the point of a handjob? —Katie

A. Dear Katie: I think you mean that handjobs are a slow, tedious way to get to the point and using the mouth as well is just more efficient. There are certainly men out there who may specifically enjoy a handjob and it’s good if you are willing to give it to them. Also, the word handjob has the word "job" in it, so I don't see any reason why you can't get paid if you wish to.

In my own experience, I have not been asked for a handjob since I was 14 and in a car with a 16 year old. Above all else, you are always free to say no to any sex act you dislike or find to be too much work.

Q. Dear Doc: Bushwick has too much dog shit. What can we do about this? —Fed Up

A. Dear Fed Up: First of all, the police are too busy guarding the L train stations to give out fines for this. But haven’t you ever heard of citizen’s arrest? I think you should quit your day job and spend your time watching for people who don’t pick up the shit. Wear an authoritative uniform of your own design and give the offenders a ticket. Have someone videotape the ensuing altercations you will have with the lousy dog owners. The golden combination of the videos of your tension-filled arrests, sculptures you can make out of dog shit, plus being able to say you're an artist from Bushwick, should give you a blue-chip art career. Congratulations!

Q. Dear Dr. Lisa: What is smegma? —Rob

A. Dear Rob: Smegma is a combination of exfoliated (shed) epithelial cells, transudated skin oils, and moisture. It occurs in both female and male mammalian genitalia. In males, smegma is produced and can collect under the foreskin; in females, it collects around the clitoris and in the folds of the labia minora. In males, smegma is useful because it helps keep the glans moist and facilitates sexual intercourse by acting as a lubricant.

There. Are you happy now? You could have looked that up just as easily as I did, but I think you may have wanted to get some attention and feel smart for knowing enough to ask the question. It seems to me you may have some need for recognition that you may not be getting. The other possibility is that you may be getting some ridiculous sexual thrill of having smegma discussed here. Think about all that and get back to me with a real question about your unfulfilled needs.

Q. Hello Dr. Lisa, Why is everyone that works at Brooklyn Natural so friendly and when I go to Whole Foods, I feel like I get treated like I’m in an assembly line? —Social Shopper

A. Dear Social Shopper: Money. Plain and simple. The management at Whole Foods puts pressure on people to get them in and out of the store as fast as possible since they have a big operation to run. “No screwing around!” they say. At Brooklyn Natural, they give a shit about the relationships that the staff has with the customers since we see one another all the time. I’m sure it must be nicer to work at Brooklyn Natural than Whole Foods in Manhattan, but nevertheless those are real jobs, the kind that artists should be prepared to do once they get their MFAs.

Q. Dear Dr. — Does everyone look at their shit after they poop? —Sidney

A. Dear Sidney: Yes. There are many, many things that adults do that they don’t feel the need to discuss.

Dr. Lisa, S.P. (Self-Proclaimed) is ready to address any issue about your art, life, job, sex, you name it. She answers all emails and she will post some of her responses right here. Please send emails to: hellodrlisa@gmail.com

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