It’s Time To Lube Up: Your Guide to NYC’s Porn Festival This Weekend [NSFW]

Have you ever felt, while slouched on your bed with your more skillful hand down your pj’s, that the porn you are watching deserves a festival?

Whether it’s the angle of the Mister’s dangle, or that particular spurt of the Lady’s squirt, sometimes you have to wonder: why don’t we talk about this stuff more often?

As you have probably heard, thanks to reporting by Bushwick Daily and many other local news sources cashing in on the clickbait, Bushwick is about to host the first-ever New York City Porn Festival this Friday (February 27th), Saturday and Sunday at Secret Project Robot. And even though Miley chickened out and withdrew her festival submission, there is a lot to look forward to.

The festival was conceptualized by local celeb Simon Leahy, whose previous event in September last year, the third annual “Bushwig,” gave many Bushwickians (including myself) the fantastic opportunity to dress in drag for the first time. Now he is bestowing upon us the chance to all watch porn in a warehouse together! Yippee!

Of course, there will be more to this event than getting tipsy with a bunch of friends while watching Tila Tequila getting her booty blasted. Pornfest will include a wide berth of films- professional and experimental, local and international, live-action and anime, sex worker documentaries, “ulterior pornography” and even a little “Horrorporn.”

Thanks in part to financial support given by Pornhub, the festival’s official sponsor, the list of presenters and speakers is ripping at the seams with the biggest (as well as underground) names in the biz. Thanks to its diverse lineup with plenty of material, this festival will feature a continuous stream of good old-fashioned hanky-panky content interspersed discussions on the subject of porn and its history.

As for the atmosphere, expect a relatively casual affair, not a stuffy art screening. As Leahy explained over the phone, “people are going to be allowed to socialize. It’s going to be more of a celebration thing. It’s going to be a social experiment.” So come with your “I’m An Open-Minded Guinea-Pig” thinking cap and prepare to have your notions about the industry fueling everybody’s favorite hobby challenged.

A friendly heads up: it is really important to note that Secret Project Robot is a 50/50 indoor/outdoor venue. The indoor section will be turned into a makeshift theatre, complete with 80’s nostalgia neon lights, and the outdoor will have the bar and socializing area. Although there will be a tent covering the outdoor section, there is still a likely chance that you will be freezing your various genitals off if you do not come prepared for the weather.

UPDATE: the tent will also have space heaters. But still, don’t be that date who’s all, “I don’t need a coat- I’ll be fine asshole” only to become the asshole who steals my belongings to wrap themselves like some babushka.

Here is the breakdown Bushwick Daily’s selected screenings/events.  Just a taste of Pornfest and already we have “flesh,” “leather,” “horror,” “squirting,” “fisting,” “academia” and James Franco! This is going to be the steamiest, most informative social porn events of all time and I can’t wait to see you there, Mom! (JK, JK dear God if she only knew).

Friday

6 PM: “Tila Tequila: Backdoored & Squirting.” This is the first film of Pornfest. It’s sort of like kicking off a party by popping a bottle of champagne that has a name everybody knows.

8:45 PM: “Nosebleed City! An Evening of Yaoi Anime.” Yaoi is best described as erotic anime fiction “where dreamy anime guys explore steamy homoerotic sex and drama-fuelled romantic relationships with other dreamy anime guys…” Here’s the twist: Yaoi is written by women and its target audience is straight women, the aim being deliver romance novel-level erotica “without the pesky trappings of a non-relatable female character.”

Saturday

3PM: “Interior. Leather Bar.” Filmmaker Travis Mathews and actor/filmmaker James “Dave’s Older Brother” Franco will be presenting their film, which reimagines the 40 minutes of the cult classic “Cruising” that were cut to avoid an “X” rating. Word around the campfire is that the young, promising NYU professor might even make an appearance.

5:30 PM: “Documenting Sex; Barbara Hammer, ‘Pioneering Lesbian Sexuality.’” Hammer is well known for her role in the queer and experimental film scene. During this talk/panel discussion, she will present some of her previous works and reflect on porn as a “document of sexual practice, the pornographer as documentary filmmaker” and “the intimate connection between porn and experimental film.”

7:15 PM: “Catholic, Pierce & Goodbye 42nd Street.” New York underground photographer and filmmaker Richard Kern will be presenting three of his films that he directed in the 80’s and 90’s as part of the “cultural explosion in the East Village.” “Goodbye 42nd Street” is a particular favorite: it examines the 1986 version of the iconic street, before Giuliani busted his normcore nuts all over it.

Close to 10:30 PM: “Fisting Club.” This short film has simply taken an iconic scene from “Fight Club” and made it better… with fisting.

Midnight: “Rinse Dream: Café Flesh.” Described as a “New York City masterpiece,” this 1982 film imagines a world where humans are divided into sex “Negatives” and “Positives.” The Negatives are incapable of having sex without getting ill, so they must go to Café Flesh where Positives are force to perform onstage.

Sunday

4PM: “Documenting Sex; ‘Passionate Collections.” This panel discussion will focus on porn’s place in the world of academia and “questions around porn’s preservation, its role as a document and the access required for study.” The panel will also be revealing several archival “treasures” from the porn vault.

8PM: “GRAPHIC SEXUAL HORROR.” Preceded by two shorts, “Horrorporn” and “Wet Nurse Trilogy,” this feature film will take the viewers “behind the terrifying façade behind the most notorious of bondage websites, exploring the dark mind of its artistic creator and asking hard questions about personal responsibility.” Kids, it’s probably best you don’t tell mom about this one. Unless you think she would be into it.

NYC Porn Festival, Friday through Sunday, February 27-March 1, 2015 at Secret Project Robot, 389 Melrose Street, Brooklyn. The tickets range between $5 to $20 per day; the weekend festival pass is $69. All attendees must be over 21 and bring a valid ID.