Dear Margot,

My boyfriend works in banking. He’s only 30 but he has a lot of people working for him and from what I can tell he’s a pretty mean boss. The weird thing is when he comes home he wants me to scream rude/humiliating things at him while he masturbates. I do it sometimes but I know it upsets the neighbors – they stare at me in the hallway and I can tell they think I’m an evil bitch. They own our building and I’m really afraid we’re going to get evicted. 

– Hoarse in Brooklyn

Dear Hoarse,

Can I borrow your boyfriend? I have a lot of shit I need to get off my chest and berating a mean banker would definitely do the trick. In fact, why not make yourself some money and pimp him out to the legions of pent-up, unemployed, lost, broke, angry folk out there just dying to blow off some steam? But if you don’t want to share him, and I totally understand, being that he’s such a treasure, here are some lease-saving suggestions:

Go to Six Flags, get on the roller coaster, and scream along with everyone else. No one will hear what you’re saying or see what he’s doing.

Or better yet, he’s a wanker – I mean banker – so he’s got some dough. Have him rent a soundproof music studio for an hour and scream your head off.

Or take him to a horror movie and sit in the front row where everyone else’s screams will rain down on him until his zipper’s ready to burst.

I applaud you for being open to searching for acceptable ways to please your boyfriend. And remember this can be great for you too. Next time he asks, think of every bad date, nasty cab driver, failed test, loveless relationship, disloyal friend, backstabbing coworker, ruthless boss, randy camp counselor, pastor, teacher, father you’ve ever run into and scream your little heart out.

Dear Margot,

I have a huge belly button fetish. I like looking at them and touching them but my real interest is in piercing the inside of the button with a syringe and shooting water into a girl’s body. I’ve tried introducing this in the bedroom and have been met with a lot of hostility. Any suggestions on how to make this happen? 

– Lint lover on Lorimer

Dear Lint,

You didn’t say what you do for a living but unless you work in a Neosporin factory I would probably steer clear of this idea. The chance of infection necessitating an awkward trip to the emergency room is quite high.

I would suggest looking for dates among the already pierced. You know, the ones that are not totally adverse to sharp, pointy objects puncturing their navels. This way, although you might not get to do the deed itself, you should be able to have a nice, erotic convo on the topic without having to watch your cute-as-a-button friend run for the hills.

Oh and I would be remiss if I didn’t point out the obvious syringe as penis metaphor. You know, sticking your “syringe” into the umbilicus, the very place you were attached to your mommy. Sounds like someone wants to go back from whence they came. Here’s a thought: Maybe you just need a weekend curled up in bed with a nurturing woman?

But please, whatever you do, no entering the body with a needle unless you happen to have an MD.