With a disarming smile to match his outgoing and jubilant personality, it was obvious from the start that Rajeev and his little partner-in-sexy-time would take home the pink and gold dick adorned crown and scepter (along with a small sum of cash and, perhaps, the numbers of a few eager new fans). Rajeev Kumar (stage name), a 28-year old man from India, was crowned Mr. Smallest Penis in Brooklyn at Kings County Bar on Saturday afternoon.
And the audience that came to “worship at the altar of small dick” was indeed eager to see Rajeev win this second annual contest by the end of the day.
Rajeev’s march to the win began during the opening Q and A, when the impeccably overdressed Oprah-look-and-sound-alike pageant host, Chicken Bitches, asked Raj what he felt was the most troubling thing in this world. His answer (immediately followed by an audible gushing “awww” and “he’s so cute!” and “that man deserves a blowjob” from the crowd): “environmental degradation.”
“You are the sweetest most delicious Gandhi impersonator I have ever seen!” said one of the three judges, who were bar owner Amy, sex educator Kendall McKenzie and famed radio host Carolyn Fox.
After the Q and A, where it was revealed that contestant Rufio’s favorite curse word is cunt, and contestant Twig and Berries’ favorite food is pussy (yes, that kind), there was a brief live musical interlude filled with dick jokes, allowing the contestants to change out of their skimpy bow-tie adorned penis gloves and into a seashell and jewel encrusted mesh bikini number.
The second part of the show was a dance-off on the bar, Coyote Itty-bitty style. This had a little more audience engagement as a few of the plastic dick decorated pageant technicians (aka: Penis Kittens) were spraying the scantily clad (and occasionally fully exposed) little fellers with squirt guns.
I regret to inform the reader that some of the audience (including myself, dear God) received more splash back than we bargained for.
After the contestants climbed off the bar for a towel down and another wardrobe change, Penis Kitten and event organizer Bobbie Chaset got up on stage for one deliciously provocative striptease. Like the lungs of the big bad wolf, she could have blown a house down with those fabulous swirling, jiggling helicopter pasties on her tits.
Then it was time for the talent show, which switched between underwhelming and enthralling with every contestant. The Puzzle Master began with a performance straight out of everybody’s favorite scene from The Silence of the Lambs (penis tucking and all). This was followed by a rather poorly delivered comedy stand up from Rufio, which he made up for by grinding against a mildly flattered Chicken Bitches. Then came Peter Parker’s dance to Sugar Hill Gang’s eponymous Apache. And kimosabes, he really jumped on it. Twig and Berries somewhat nervously sang Monty Python’s Lumberjack Song, but Rajeev completely destroyed it with a classic Bollywood dance while dressed as Aladdin.
This does not mean that Rajeev competitors weren’t serious threats to ultimate crowning. Runners-up Peter Parker and The Puzzle Master might have tipped the scale in their favor (with dainty penises as unnoticeable as the freckles on their butts), but the simple fact is that it takes a whole lot of charisma and skill to win this pageant, and Rajeev had them beat by entire inches in that regard.
The judges also took size into account: the other two contestants, Mr. Twig and Berries and Mr. Rufio, may have had some skill at the bikini dance portion of the show, but it was clear to all that they were simply packing too much heat (and being half-mast didn’t do Rufio any favors). The only thing Rajeev might be accused of packing is too much heart.
Rajeev’s last words to the audience, as if his hip-swinging arms-in-the-air twisting moves weren’t enthralling enough: “I’ve always wanted to be a Bollywood star. I am so happy that I’m launching my career in NYC!” It took a while for Chicken Bitches to calm the crowd down after that.
When last year’s winner, Rip Van Dinkle, finally crowned him to the cheers of a very happy audience and the score of Jurassic Park, Rajeev gave a bow and the earnest smile that proved how much this pageant meant to him, and his new fans loved him for it.
This pageant was created to prove that the less endowed males, as Chicken Bitches put it, “deserve the same love as all the big dick motherfuckers.” And they do, and it did, but it takes a man with the heart, courage, and skill like Rajeev’s to make that idea hit home for everybody.
Hopefully the pageant will return next year, but it looks like Rajeev might not be able to make it. In three months he is returning to India, having finished his MBA as a Fullbright Scholar at Indiana University last year. Once back home, he plans on writing a screenplay titled, “India to Indiana,” which will tell his experience in the parts of the Midwest that he loves but most people outside the country don’t know about. It would be the beginning of his Bollywood career.
For now, he feels awesome. “I can’t do this stuff in India,” he said in the press interview after the show. When asked if he has any reservations at having won the title of the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn, he said it doesn’t bother him. “The ladies never complained.” In fact, he disagrees with the notion that his penis size makes him incapable of pleasing a woman, because to him sex is not the most important thing in a relationship, “it is all about love and devotion.” And if he comes across someone who knows he has this new title, he will be able to handle it. “I believe that I can look into someone’s soul through their eyes,” and if the connection isn’t there, why bother caring about their opinion of his penis?