Excerpt from Crucifaxe 2: The Immaculate Deception
By Jaclene Sini
Crucifaxe 2: The Immaculate Deception is a nunsploitation comedy about a gang of rebel nuns who gets one of their girls kidnapped and have to go save her before she gets saved by Protestants. In this excerpt, the nuns obtain the title weapon, The Crucifaxe, and then set off to a Protestant mission where they suspect their girl is being held…
INT. THE MONK’S
RITA and the girls walk into a grimy room. A heavily tattoed man in a tank top with his monk’s robe tied around his waist sharpens a butterfly knife. He’s their religious arms dealer, THE MONK. When he sees them approach, he flicks the knife shut. It’s shaped like a cross.
THE MONK
Rita! Girls! Ain’t you a sight for sore eyes. You musta been what Moses saw on the mountain top. I gotta start charging you ladies for my hair dye.
MARY
Cool it, Monk. You know us sisters can’t have sugar.
THE MONK
Ah…well if I can’t indulge you, then indulge me. To what do I owe this visit?
GINA
Oh, just a little girl trouble.
RITA
We’re gonna need the Crucifaxe.
He nods silent understanding, and heads to the back room. He pulls a trunk out from the darkness, and sets it on the table. It opens. A light beams out, revealing a crucifix with an axe blade embedded in one of the arms.
RITA (CONT.)
Ohhh, ain’t she pretty.
TRANSITION: A FLAMING CROSS SPINS FROM SMALL TO LARGE ON THE SCREEN. A CHOIR SINGS “AMEN!”
EXT. PROTESTANT MISSION – DAY
The Bad Habits approach the doors of the Mission. RITA has the Crucifaxe slung over one shoulder.
RITA
Well, these ain’t no pearly gates.
She takes a breath and leads the nuns to:
INT. PROTESTANT MISSION
At the back of the lobby there’s a table where a recruiter, JOB, stands with a sign-up sheet and a pile of bibles. A guitar is propped up against the desk, and flyers for bake sales and youth groups cover the table and walls.
JOB
(acidic) What brings you three in here? Don’t you have some collections to make?
RITA
Don’t be cute, Job. You have one of our girls, and we need her back. Does last night’s cockfight sound familiar to you?
JOB
(snarky) I don’t know what you’re talking about.
RITA
Now, Job. We can do this the hard way, or the fun way. If you give us back Paola, no fuss, we’ll “lose” next week’s collection plate in your pocket.
JOB
I wouldn’t take your filthy Catholic money as soon as I’d pray for your filthy Catholic pope.
The nuns are disgusted. They tighten their group, and align themselves into fight formation.
RITA
Alright, Job. That was the hard way. Now here’s the fun way.
She swings the Crucifaxe, narrowly missing Job as he leaps out of the way. It hits the table, sending bibles flying through the air.
The Protestants descend. Mary and Gina are fighting hand to hand combat, and manage to do away with a good chunk of the Protestants. Young men in collared shirts litter the floor.
Rita has Job pinned to the ground, strangling him with a set of rosary beads. She whispers in his ear.
RITA
You gonna tell me where she is?
Job throws a reverse headbutt, wrestles free, and they begin fighting again. He picks up the guitar and swings it wildly. One chop from the Crucifaxe cuts it in two.
JOB
Sweet Christ.
He runs, keeping an eye on Rita behind him. He hits a wall and traps himself in a corner as Rita saunters up to meet him. She raises the Crucifaxe and points it towards him.
JOB (cont’d)
“Yea, though I walk through the valley in the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil!”
RITA
You think this is evil, Job? All we are is a couple of nuns looking out for their girlfriend. Now I’ll ask one more time. Where’s Paola?
Job is in complete submission. He’s cowering on the floor, staring up at Rita like a child. The Habits are ready to strike at any moment.
JOB
It was Margaret.
RITA
…Margaret?
JOB
Margaret! Your Mother Superior! She told us to do it! She said she’d get rid of you girls, if I just got Paola for her. (beat) She brought her back to the monastery.
Rita leaves Job in a heap on the lobby floor, and gathers The Bad Habits to set off towards familiar ground.
TRANSITION: SPINNING ROSARIES GROW FROM SMALL TO LARGE ON SCREEN. A CHOIR SINGS: “MYSTERY OF FAITH”
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Jaclene Sini is a passionate filmmaker and pizza lover currently living in Brooklyn. Sini graduated with a B.F.A. in Film from the Savannah College of Art and Design, where she also spent a considerable amount of time smashing the patriarchy. Jaclene dreams of the day when she will win a Razzie Award for her films. She can be contacted at [email protected].
Josue Ledesma is a recent graduate from NYU Gallatin. While his background is in creative writing/screenwriting, he has focused most of his efforts on a burgeoning illustration career. You can keep up with him on his blog, follow him @JL_Illustration, or support him through society6.com/JosueLedesma.
Sunday Read is a weekly literary feature curated and edited by Wesley Salazar. We are accepting submissions of short stories, poetry, essays, script excerpts, comics, etc. (max: 1000 words) on a rolling basis. We are also looking for artists who would like to illustrate for Sunday Read. Please send submissions to wesleyATbushwickdaily.com.