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Welcome, New Advice Column 'Dirty Talk' with Margot Berwin!

Photo:Margot Berwin

So here it is - my very first advice column. I’m a little nervous and I ain’t no Dr. Lisa, but I’ll give it my best shot.

Credentials you ask? Well, I’ve been in therapy for a long time. I’ve been single and married and single again. Oh, and I’ve written lots of porn. You can check it out at nerve.com in the archives under Margot Berwin.

Just last week I put the word out that I’m looking for questions and boy did I get them! If you think my answers are valid and you’ve got a question on your mind, please email me at margot18ATyahoo.com. I would love to hear from you!

I've just started dating this fabulous girl who has an extensive fantasy life, at least in the bedroom. The idea of a gangbang really turns her on, and about the only part I think might be reasonable (a gangbang in real life sounds so messy and complicated - not to mention high-risk) is a MFM threesome. I'm game if she will return the favor with a FMF threesome. This seems fair to me but not, apparently, not to her! What should I do?

- D.P. in Brooklyn 

Well D.P. just a reminder that a fantasy is a fantasy is a fantasy - it isn’t real life! So, why don’t you look (at gangbang porn, with her) before you leap into the real thing. See if you can keep your wood and her wetness digitally. And if that works, expand even further by using your words. Whisper sweet gangbang nothings in her ear during sex or maybe read her some romantic gangbang erotica. I’m guessing that will do the trick.

From a psychological point of view she probably wants to be the object of desire of many men and wants to be taken to the edge or precipice, where sex and sanity collide. She wants a series of convulsions that make her collapse from fatigue. In other words, D.P., she wants her brains f**ked out. Get to work!

Now onto the second half of your questions about her not wanting MFF threesomes. If you look at her sexuality, her desire for gangbangs is very hetero so she’s not likely to desire women. She has one thing that turns her on, men f**king her, and the fact that she may want more than one is still in the same old basic mold of hetero sex. What you’ve got yourself here is a fabulous, if conventional, girl!

 

Can you use saran wrap in lieu of condoms? The economy is so bad these days and I'm trying to pinch pennies wherever I can.

- May in Bushwick

Hey May,

When I was a kid a loooong time ago there was a rumor circulating that emptying a can of Pepsi in the punani was an effective form of birth control. Well this question is reminding me of that nonsense. Let me tell you, not only will Saran Wrap not protect you from diseases as it has a nasty habit of coming apart when things get…um..wet, but if you’re concerned about money, having a baby is a lot more expensive than buying a condom. You could simply go to Costco and buy condoms in bulk, save money and remain pregnancy and disease free. Don’t forget to pick up some Saran Wrap while you’re there…and use it on your leftovers.

If you’re really into Saran Wrap and you’re just not saying, in other words if you’ve a thing for plastic, you CAN use it when practicing anal/oral sexual activities. Place some wrap between your tongue and their anus, or vice versa, and have yourself a sticky plastic party.

Oh, and remember, you can always go to Planned Parenthood where the condoms are free.

 

I'm in my 50's, and single. Several months ago, I met a 22 year-old woman. We had a torrid relationship that involved the best sex of my life and her life, and we enjoyed so many of the same things. It became very intense, very quickly and soon we were spending a lot of time together and felt deeply connected. But when we walked down the street, she was visibly uncomfortable by the age difference and in time, so was I. She could not share my identity with friends or family; we lived in a secret world almost - as if I was having an affair. After 8 weeks, we broke up painfully, and yet I think it still haunts her. I know how much I enjoyed every part of the relationship and I miss her. I have settled for a friendship and yet, I want more. I think she does as well but she is conflicted. My question: Is it inappropriate for a couple to have 30 years between them in age? Is there any hope for two people who deeply care for each other in this situation? She is clearly confused and wants a relationship with someone her age, but she also cannot deny how amazing this all was.

- Anyonymous

Dear Anonymous,

When I first read your question, my initial instinct was to go for it. After all, age is just a number and either one of you could get hit by a bus tomorrow. But if I gave you that advice I’d be a bad fake shrink instead of just a regular fake shrink so here’s what I really think...

First of all you say it was the best sex of your lives. Well, you’ve probably had a lot more sex than her so I’d give her more time and lovers before making that assessment on her end. And as we all unfortunately know, great sex turns into good sex turns into okay sex over time unless you’re very lucky and very imaginative. In other words will you have enough in common with someone 30 years your junior after the honeymoon period?

And now for the really practical stuff. Does she want kids? Do you have kids and do you want more? Are you ready/do you want to be a dad in your sixties and seventies? Also will this be fair to her in five or ten years when you’re…well…old? Do you really want this young woman who you love to be in a caretaker role as life goes on? Because maybe not this year or even the one after that, but eventually, that is what she will become.

Not all relationships are meant to last. They are temporal. You taught her that she could have a close, caring, intimate connection and that was a wonderful gift from you to her. Love her and let her find someone who is more realistically matched. My advice to you is to appreciate this relationship for what it was and to let it go. You have to be the adult here. Let her go.

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