You are welcome to send Dr. Lisa, S.P. (Self-Proclaimed) your questions and dilemmas about your art, life, job, sex, you name it—and she will post responses to your questions and issues weekly, right here. Please send email to: hellodrlisa@gmail.com
Here in Bushwick we were very blessed to have been very lucky in regards to the relative hardships from the storm. One stressful area that might not be as obvious: the tension this type of disaster can bring to relationships, especially for couples that aren’t living together. Having to decide who goes to who’s home and when can be difficult to navigate during the mass transit shutdowns (read L train). We all know it’s nothing compared to what some people are trying to manage, but it can be legitimately upsetting to say the least.
Q. Displaced lingerie. My girlfriend and I both live separately. My girlfriend told me last week that she has a friend on the Lower East Side that didn’t want to stay by herself in her dark apartment and she was going to keep her company. She also mentioned it would be “fun” for the two of them to stay there, anyway. My girlfriend walked there on Tuesday and she came back on Saturday. When I went to her house to see her Saturday night, I asked her to put on my favorite lingerie that I had bought her which was made of leather and had straps. She told me she took it to her girlfriend’s apartment during the storm and forgot it there. When I asked her why she would have taken something like that to a friend’s house in an emergency situation. All she could say was that she just “grabbed a bunch of clothes” and it wound up in the pile she took with her. Should I believe her or is this just horseshit?
A. Well, to say the least, if it is true, your girlfriend is pretty disorganized. Do you feel like she hasn’t been completely honest about other things—does she tell her friends the truth or do you notice her ease with a flexible truth?
Either way, a girl who runs from disaster and brings leather lingerie sounds like a lot of fun. But someone who cannot keep track of her own underwear may not be ready for a serious relationship. Are you sure a relationship is what you want, too? Or are you just drawn to something that you can’t quite have? People subconsciously choose people they can’t really have because they don’t want a commitment themselves.
It doesn’t sound to me like you totally trust this lady. The more important part of this equation is you—make sure you’re not distracting yourself by getting tied up with someone who is out of reach, unless you know you’re choosing to do so.
Q. Is it Sandy or me? I was at my boyfriend’s on Sunday and we got into a big fight. He lives in the East Village and I live in Bushwick and I didn’t want to be separated during the storm. He seemed hesitant about having me stay over—he’s a programmer who works from home and told me he had a lot of work to do. I got mad and stormed out, (no pun intended). When I got home, he called me and we made up, but at that point the subways were down and you know the rest. I’ve hardly heard from him since—he says between finding places to continue to work with his laptop and the other ramifications of having no electricity it’s been very difficult to keep in touch. Now that he has electricity, I feel like our relationship has taken a big step back since before the storm. I can’t tell if he’s trying to blow me off (another no pun intended!). or if I’m taking all this distancing stuff personally. What do you think?
A. It’s hard to say for sure, but in this case I would take the high road and give him the benefit of the doubt and stay out of his way. If his work and career are dependent upon using his laptop from home, this could be tougher for him than you realize. He may be trying to keep up with his business, not wanting to let his clients think he can’t deliver. Neediness is never attractive. Stay busy. If you need something to do, volunteer: that will surely impress him and make you feel better. In the meantime, try to discipline your brain not to think about him—and staying away until he’s back on track is the best thing you can do for the relationship. When he does get in touch next time, be sure to focus on his needs, not your neediness. Be fun and upbeat. And if after all this, he does want some space, at least the L train will be running by then; There are more dudes all along the way.
See you next week!
XOXO Dr. Lisa
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About Lisa Levy
Dr. Lisa, S.P., is a self-proclaimed psychotherapist, artist, performer and comedian. She's had about ten years of experience as Dr. Lisa, with hundreds of patients, onstage and off. She's been featured in The New York Times, The London Times, and The Huffington Post. You can find more information about Dr. Lisa here: http://www.lisalevyindustries.com/
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Dr Lisa,
You are giving these people exceptionally bad advice. I want to explain why more fully but I just walked through all that Nor’easter business and my fingers are practically numb. But have you ever listened to the Dan Savage podcast? I think you should — he gives great, empowering advice and he always hones in on what the real issue is that makes a question interesting. Your column is relatively new so maybe you aren’t getting a whole lot of interesting questions. I just have two things to say:
1. Girls have a right to have their emotional needs met. Sure, neediness isn’t attractive, but if he’s not providing what you need, then you have an absolute right to ask for it. If he says no, he says no, but that’s better than dicking around and waiting for him to call like it’s 1953.
2. OBVS he doesn’t totally trust this lady — that’s why he wrote to you! My take on her transgression is that yeah, this sounds like total bullshit. But it’s up to him (depending on how much he likes her, how prone she is to lying generally, how committed he is to building long term trust and honesty into the relationship) whether or not to take her word on it.
Anyway, good on ya for starting a Bushwick advice column, it’s a great idea!
-Frances
Hi Frances-
I so appreciate your thoughtful response to the column.
I enjoy reading all sorts of advice columns, and I would agree with you, Dan Savage is just about the gold standard. I have had about ten years of experience with hundreds of patients, as an artist/performance therapist and have been featured in The New York Times, http://tinyurl.com/bfrjnth; The London Times, http://tinyurl.com/b4rdqyr, and the Huffington Post, http://tinyurl.com/cgj76n6; but you’re correct, this column is relatively new for me. I am happy to have the opportunity to have a dialogue with you; here’s my response to your comments.
1. Yes, I think we can all agree, it sounds like this girl is bullshitting him. But he wasn’t certain enough to call her on it. I don’t believe you can make a righteous judgment from this one letter, so I pointed him in the direction of paying attention to his gut in order to learn whether she was trustworthy in the bigger picture. I was imagining there were lots of other clues earlier that he had missed where she wasn’t honest. I don’t agree with the willingness to tolerate dishonesty, “depending on how much he likes her.”
2. I think empowerment for everyone is key. I felt that her route to empowerment was independence so I encouraged her to take action that I felt was guaranteed to have a positive effect on her self-esteem, volunteering. I completely agree that we all have a right to ask for what we need, but in her case, getting her needs met would have not ultimately led her to the growth that she needs for standing on her own two feet. I felt the cognitive practice of developing the discipline not focus on the guy would be a good emotional tool for her to have.
Thanks again for your comments and encouragement, Frances. It sounds like you have enough interest to approach a blog that might need an advice columnist yourself!
Best,
Dr. Lisa