Send Dr. Lisa, S.P. (Self-Proclaimed) your questions and dilemmas about your art, life, job, sex, you name it. She will post responses to your questions and issues weekly, right here. Please send emails to: email@example.com
The predominating social sexual structure is that women and dudes meet, hookup, move on, and repeat. No hard feelings! Is this kind of readily available sex a good thing? I took to the streets this week to find out how people in Bushwick feel about the dynamics between men and women.
As a pretend therapist I hypothesize that this mostly works great for the appropriately not-ready-to settle-down age group, but I believe that underneath it all there is some defensiveness and fear of rejection. See what people said to me and then weigh in with your own opinion. . . .
The Anonymous Man I asked The Anonymous Man, 25, DJ and party promoter, if he ever gets hung up on any of the girls he hooks up with and ends up wanting to see them again. I seemed to jog his memory and he went through a short list in his head of women he’d been thinking of calling. The way he described it, I imagined little slips of paper scattered around his apartment left by various women. “I feel like if I ask a girl out for drinks, she’s more likely to want to go than if I ask her out for dinner, like dinner is too much of a commitment. I guess I don’t really trust women that much. When I first moved here from upstate, I think I trusted people too much,” he said.
Jeffrey When I asked Jeffrey, 22, about the state of sexual relations in Bushwick, he told me, “There’s an abundance of beautiful people here. People that come here are very ambitious about their careers and don’t have time to pursue relationships.”
I asked Jeffrey if he ever feels like he gets hung up on a girl he’s slept with—he said he doesn’t have that problem.
“What happens if a woman gets hung up on you?” I asked.
“I take a step back,” he said. “I’ll wait a few days and maybe see her again. That way she’ll understand that I don’t want to make this such a regular thing and get the message that I’m not looking for a relationship.”
Entrepreneur #1 & Entrepreneur #2 Moving on to a discussion I had with two ladies that I’ll refer to as Entrepreneur #1, age 27, and Entrepreneur #2, age25, where I’d say I got a feel for the take-charge attitude of women in Bushwick. I got the feeling that they, like me, think that a lot of people are self-protective out here, emotionally that is, but not when it comes to condom use. They both complained about dudes’ condom etiquette. GUYS, WRAP IT UP BEFORE YOU HAVE TO BE ASKED. It gives women pause when you don’t automatically use condoms. They each shared a few war stories, both fun and not so fun, about hooking up in Bushwick. Entrepreneur #2 had been sleeping with a guy somewhat regularly for about six months. When it came time to find out what was going on and she asked directly, the response she got was disappointing and she regretted wasting time by not acting sooner.
Entrepreneur #1 says, “Take control and be direct.” Entrepreneur #2 strongly advises, “Know what you want going in. Don’t hook up with someone and then later say that you want a relationship. If you want a relationship, then know that. And if you don’t, be clear about that as well.” I’d say the message here is speak up!
I’d love to hear your take on this topic. Post your thoughts here or send me an e-mail.
Thanks so much! See you next week.
XO Dr. Lisa